Is it just me or do you detest with all your might when someone says to you “Don’t be nervous, just relax.” If I am feeling activated, telling me not to be like that just sends me right off.
Evaluating people and how they do stuff was not something I thought I’d like or be good at. Moving to Italy gave me another unexpected curve in my career path. Teaching English to Adults (oh, must have capital letters, it is that important – really!). This set me up for loads of other opportunities. Some of them “Trainer/Observer/Feedback-giver”.
After observing some amazing teaching going on, with one teacher in particular, it was really tough to give any feedback on what was missing or needed to change. In a post-observation chat we went through her lesson plan, steps executed, things I’d witnessed that maybe weren’t so obvious to her – eg. high level of student engagement. And lots of other great stuff that she wanted to keep doing [insert your own eye roll here]. At the end of our chat, this teacher was close to boiling. I saw it [after our 30 minute chat, I saw it, yep, call me Quick-Nic]. I asked what was up. And this phrase changed my feedback-giving forever:
“Give me something I can use!”
Gulp! I’d given her a big fat nothin’. Zero next-step material. In a feedback session, on the receiving end, I’m waiting for my “next step”. I’m waiting for that thing that I can use to take that next step. To up my game. That’s the job as a “feedback-giver” or Evaluator. What is it that this person in whatever context isn’t doing? What needs to change to take them to their next level? What do they need to add? What do they need to stop doing?
“Give me something I can use!”
[cit. Silva V.]
In my own experience, as a music student (voice, piano, songwriting, band), the times I’ve grown the most are when I’m given something really specific. Something I can use! Before I get to that, let’s look at what doesn’t work, and why.
Some statements that you want to avoid (I know, seems silly to even write this) are intangible things like:
“Just let yourself go.”
“Be yourself.”
“Relax!”
Oh and the classic:
“Don’t be afraid. Don’t be nervous.”
Do I need to tell you that our brains don’t hear “don’t!” very well? And telling me “don’t be” or “don’t do” something just highlights that thing and helps me head right for it. Every time.
These kinds of statements are vague and lofty. What are the steps to “let yourself go”? Is there a first step? What one thing could my feedback-receiver do to “be themselves”? And “Relax” is a huge word. There are massive industries around it. Do you mean “drop your shoulders” or even “breathe out first?” See my other article about that physiological science flip.
It could be as small as: “When you start singing or speaking, I notice you’re leaning forward on the balls of your feet.” State a fact. Let it land. Explore the effect. If your person is aware of this, they usually agree and add to their “fault” list… hear them briefly, then ask a question like “How would it feel to stand with both feet making contact with the ground, then start singing/speaking?” Maybe even let them try something out with you there. If your observee knows their “fault”, check together what they’ve tried in the past. Together arrive at one idea, one small step, that they try in their next session/attempt/performance/presentation. The more specific you are with your feedback, the more specific the next steps become.
I will be forever grateful for this specific feedback about feedback:
“Give me something I can use!”
It’s practical, actionable, accountable feedback that helps. One step at a time. One problem/fault correction or missing piece at a time.
What’s your best and worst story of feedback giving and receiving? How has feedback helped you take your next step, not ten steps, just ONE at a time? I really want to learn more about this.
Comment here now. I’d love your feedback.
